Don’t catfish me with your mom

a fly-on-the-wall perspective of mom and daughter wedding planning

Let me start by saying my thoughts here are descriptive, not prescriptive. I’m not an expert in human behavior and can’t tell you how to fix your relationships. I’m just sharing what I’ve noticed so far as a wedding florist. When Moms are involved, it’s a flag for me.

So you may not realize this, but before the pretty wedding pictures you see posted on my site, I’ve received an inquiry from my website, emailed back and forth with the person who contacted me, had meetings and phone calls… There is a lot of communication involved in what I do. And I could automate some of my processes, but instead I choose to continue the back and forth of talking with people early on, because every interaction helps me know whether we’re a good fit to work together.

I don’t say yes to everyone.

I started noticing a trend early on— when the mom made the inquiry, it usually ended up not working out. Thankfully at this point, I’ve had some delightful experiences with moms and daughters that I loved working with to balance out my early negative ones. Am I saying moms shouldn’t be involved or help? Nope! But there are some situations where it’s worth checking to see what’s going on.

Sometimes it feels like Mom is driving things. And that usually doesn’t go well. The clearest example— I had one mom contact me about her daughter’s wedding and give me a vision board (which I loved by the way!) of bright oranges and pinks, lots of negative space, very artistic and dainty even. She was having a hard time finding a time Daughter could join for a meeting, and then she finally emailed me and told me we didn’t need to meet. Her daughter had told her that morning that they planned to elope. Why couldn’t Daughter find a time to meet? Because she didn’t want a wedding. Thankfully, Daughter rallied the courage to tell Mom what she wanted. AND Mom respected her wishes. Go Team!

Another mom contacted me and in the notes section of the inquiry left an extensive list of EXACTLY what she wanted, and she told me she would follow up with pictures of the EXACT bouquets and EXACT boutonnieres, etc. I think she used some form of the word “exact” 5 or 6 times maybe? After reading the inquiry, I had the sense to take a quick body scan— face and neck, flushed! Heartbeat, speeding like a runaway carriage! Muscles throughout body, like one giant, clenched fist! And I remembered— you don’t have to do this! And I didn’t. I replied and let the mom know that I wasn’t able to work with the degree of specificity she needed. I like to refer people to other wonderful Chattanooga florists when I feel like I’m not a good fit for them, and I could only think of one who maybe, possibly, would work with her, and I sent her on sweetly.

The converse can be true as well— I’ve had a daughter contact me who was pushing her mother to manage her wedding planning. This was my Catfish Bride. Bless the mom! I really liked her, and I would have enjoyed working with her, had the daughter not been devious and tricked me. She wanted her mom to meet with me and said that her mom understood “the plan.” However, I knew from looking at the mood board she sent, that “the plan” was not cohesive or clear, and I told her I needed to meet with her. She agreed, and we set up a time. When the time came, guess who was there? Her mom. Just her mom. Face averted, shoulders slumped—“I’m so sorry! She had a meeting, but I’ll email her and tell her you really need her to be here.” Bride did tear herself away from her important life and answer a few questions, and I had a really pleasant time chatting and finishing out the meeting with Mom, but after reflection, I didn’t feel good about continuing with a client who knowingly catfished me.

As you might imagine, after multiple experiences of raised flags that really were not good situations, for this florist at least, when I met with Violet* and had her quote and proposal all put together (hours worth of work), and then got a follow up email that her mom would like a list from me of white flowers I like to use, I thought, “Oh, boy! Here we go.” And did I like completely redoing her quote and proposal with a whole new plan? No. I didn’t. But Mom getting involved in that case went really well. I had already checked for this, because I thought it was a possibility, but Mom helped Violet* understand that she was going with baby’s breath because she had heard it was less expensive (side note— DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!). It wasn’t what she really wanted. And our group meeting was FABULOUS. Violet* and her mom, Michelle**, were a sweet team. Violet* gained clarity from her mom’s input, and Michelle** knew her and their financial situation better than I did, so was able to put out her concerns with conviction and support. They collaborated, supported each other, understood each other, and helped moved things forward together. It was beautiful to watch, and a bit healing for me. (I didn’t tell you about the mom who made me cry! Oh, gosh!)

Interacting with Violet* and Michelle** throughout the planning process and on wedding day, and then getting to chat briefly with Michelle** when she and her husband returned rentals— all a pleasure. They felt like friends.

Since that time, I’ve had the pleasure of working with a few other mom/ daughter duos who worked great together—Posy* and Beth**, Poppy* and Katie**, Agapanthus* and Jenn**. I notice that when moms and daughters have a chummy vibe and support each other, it works. And the moms don’t even have to be on the same page about what they want—they just have to ask questions and be supportive.

When I was planning my own wedding decades ago, I wanted to have a small wedding. Barefoot on beach, khaki pants and blue button-ups for the guys and sundresses for the girls. When I told my mom this, she had a strong emotional reaction— she had so many friends across multiple states that she wanted to include—and I conceded. I had my path, but it turns out that I wanted multiple times to back out of the wedding, but didn’t. It was just so big! And that felt like a lot of pressure. I think asking each other questions and being supportive could’ve helped my mom and me to figure out what was going on, instead of just pushing through to get things done.

Noteworthy aside for the concerned reader: I did eventually leave that marriage and am happily on a better path for me. And I’m in touch with who I am and would never be swayed in such a way at this point. Compromise? Sure! Totally abandoning my preferences? Nah. For those of you who feel compassion for young me, thanks for the support! You’re so sweet.

Okay, forget what I said before. I’m totally gonna be prescriptive. Here’s a tip to try when working together. BE CURIOUS! If your mom or daughter is acting in a way that surprises you, it would be easy to shut them down, but if you can, pause and be curious about it first. Wonder for a minute about what’s prompting their behavior and ask questions. And instead of asking “Why…?” (which can come across as accusatory), try asking “What prompted you to…?” . “What” questions are softer and way easier to process than “why” questions. I hope this helps. Good luck!

So let’s circle back to this— people, talk to each other. Support each other. Be curious. Ask questions. But please! Don’t catfish me with your mom.

* Bride names changed for privacy. Let’s go with flower names.

**Mom names changed for privacy. Let’s go with popular names from my generation.